Today has been rather ineffective once again. In fact, the past whole week has been ineffective. And its only 3 weeks to the exams. hElPs! Where has my motivation for studying gone to?!? If only I could be as motivated, like I was in sec 3 & 4. Those were the peak of my academic days. In jc, my motivation for studying kinda died off, but fortunately it was revived in j2, largely due to panic and thanks to having a good study partner, jasmine. I thot last sem was bad enuf, but to think of it now, last sem was much better than this sem. At least I did study harder and more than this sem, it was just that I lacked time or rather had poor time management. On the contrary though, this sem I’m like super ultra loads of free time, I even haf a free day, yet I am not studying at all! My parents may think trainings are affecting my studies. But no, its really not. Even with training, I seriously have loads of free time. Even without training, I’ll just waste those extra time. Argh, 3 weeks left, I must find my motivation back before its really too late.

Sometimes I think it’s the super loneliness that makes me ultra inefficient in hall. Sometimes I just wish I had someone to study tgt with and not just facing the four walls in hall. When I see people walking tgt to lecture theatres, tutorial rooms or canteen, I’m envious of them. Sometimes when I see others talking and laughing with each other during tutorials and lectures, I just wish I could too. Sometimes I just wish I did not haf to dabao lunch n dinner and eat in the room alone, just because I don’t want to eat alone in the crowded canteen, where everyone else are eating in groups. Sometimes I just wish I had not stayed in hall and was at home. I noe it sounds stupid and ridiculous. But that’s how I really feel and its my blog, so just let me be myself and say wad I feel.

So just now, I decided to go to my hall’s study room in hope that there would be others studying there too. Even though I’ll not know them, it just the studying atmosphere that will be motivating. But no, there was NO one in the freaking study room. So it was just the same as being in my room, me alone in the big quiet room. haiz, tried doing my tutorials but yea, I just felt bored. So here I am back in my room, since it doesn’t make a difference anyway.

I’m not that independent or self-reliant you noe. I thought I was, I really believed I was, I though I could survive this all by myself. I thought it was the least important issue anyone could be bothered about, I though it didn’t matter at all to me, afterall I don’t get close to people, not even my friends, only my close friends, which is like 3 onli but I haf lost contact with them anyway. Actually I think all this is just my own doings. It’s the way interact with others, shut myself from others, not motivating or encouraging or comforting others when that’s wad friends should do, that lead to this result.

Sometimes I really wish I had someone to study tgt with but I noe why I don’t. No one likes to study with others if they cannot be achieve greater effectiveness or motivation. Maybe I should not say that I’m sianz or bored to others, when I am, not that I want to make others feel sianz too, but its just the way I vent out the boredom, but I guess it appears that this affects others negatively. I should just keep all these negative useless feelings to myself. No one likes to hear such stuff. Instead, I should try to be more considerate and motivate others too. Its like give and take. If all I do is look for motivation, encouragement from others, yet I dun offer any, I won’t be deserving of any, and no wonder the situation is as it is now.

Its like wad xiaohong said about dragonboat races. Even if u don’t get to row, u should still send your teammates off to the startpoint, remind them to take water and extra paddle, encourage them and help them to relax before the race. It’ll let ure teammates noe that ure there for them and nxt time when u get to row, they’ll be there for u. How true! I’m really enlightened. Actually I really admire how some people manage to give wise advice. Such phrases or words really help motivate others. But too bad, I’m not good at creating these wise phrases.

Ok, I’d better get back to my tutorials. I promised to finish them so that I can go cycling tomorrow night. Come on mousey, u can do it, its just takes a few hours of concentration. Motivation comes from within, you’re a big adult now, grow up and focus on what needs to be done. Keep negative feelings to yourself and if it really needs to be let out, let it be limited to the boundaries of this blog. Be less selfish, remember to receive you must first give. Be a changed person, start afresh, there’s only 3 weeks left and you noe there’s been hardly anything done. Suddenly I feel motivated, or I imagined to haf felt it. =) is just a surface thing...